How to Handle a Sibling Coming Out

A couple of years ago, a colleague of mine came to work looking very haggard. Concerned, I asked him what the matter was. He told me that his sister had just ‘come out’. I didn’t get the term at first, asking him what she had come out with. He gave me an almost desperate look and then said, “Dude, she just told my parents and me that she’s a lesbian.”

Needless to say, things didn’t go well after that. The girl’s parents were horrified. They berated her, cried, screamed and generally tried to get her to see the ‘error of her ways’. Eventually, they threatened to kick her out of the house and break all ties. When she didn’t relent, they followed through. However, to me, what was most interesting was my colleague’s reaction.

He told me that he was shocked at first. He hadn’t had any inkling that his sister was attracted to other women. But as the recriminations continued, he came to the realization that he loved her regardless. It wasn’t easy for him to accept it, but, when his parents told her to leave, he told them that he’d be going with her. The siblings spent the weekend looking for a place to stay and then moving in.

I have to admit that I was surprised. Acceptance for members of the LGBT community in India isn’t exactly high – in fact, their preferences make them criminals. In a country where people are obsessed with family honor and ‘log kya kahenge’ there aren’t too many families that can accept a family member being gay. However, my colleague’s decision isn’t completely uncommon. Siblings do grow up together and can be much closer to each other.

ShoutLo takes a look at how you can deal with a sibling telling you that they’re gay.

Listen

Chances are that you’ll be one of the first people to find out. When your sibling comes out, he or she isn’t looking for judgment; they’re looking for someone who will listen. They are going through a lot of emotional and mental upheaval so just listen. Let them tell you about what their perspective is and how they’re feeling. Try to understand where they’re coming from. You don’t have to agree, just understand and listen.

Be Honest

It is absolutely ok to feel confused, especially in our culture. Be honest about that in as compassionate a manner as possible. Keep in mind, though, that your sibling has taken a great risk in telling you the truth and has reposed an enormous amount of trust in you.

Remember

Your sibling hasn’t changed. He or she is essentially the same person you’ve always known. It may not seem like it at first but this is the same person you’ve grown up alongside and shared so many experiences with. This is the same brother or sister that you’ve loved for many years.

Be Respectful

This doesn’t just mean that you don’t indulge in name-calling. It also means that you respect their right to tell others whenever they feel comfortable doing so. In my colleague’s case, he had his sister’s permission, to tell the truth. Not everyone who is coming out will feel the same way. Don’t announce it to the world until they’re comfortable with it. Even then, let them do it.

Don’t Withdraw

Your sibling is extremely vulnerable emotionally at this time. If you draw back, you’re essentially telling them that their sexual orientation has somehow turned them into someone who you can no longer care about. Ask questions and engage with them. Be sensitive in the asking, though. Questions such as ‘when did you find out’ are probably not the best way to find out more. Instead, ask them how long they’ve known, do others know and perhaps even how hard it has been for them to carry such a deep secret for so long. Make it clear to them that you are there and ensure that your actions back up that support.

It is definitely not an easy thing to accept something so different in a society in which the word ‘sex’ is still considered taboo. However, you can ensure that your sibling doesn’t have to face all the brickbats and abuse coming their way all alone.

What else do you think one can do to make it easier on the sibling who’s coming out? Tell us in the comments below.